HUMILITY

Humility

        Today is a day where I realize that my disability and illness is a burden to my daughter Sunflower and my dear brother.  Don’t get me wrong dear reader they do this with nothing but patience and love but today as an example my unbelievably wonderful daughter did not feel well and it was obvious.  It was obvious that she was exhausted.  Her two year old son, my grandson Wyeth, has been sick and didn’t sleep well last night which meant that Sunflower didn’t get sleep.  She had a full day’s work, had to go pick Wyeth up at his little pre pre-school and then take him to grandma’s and back to work and she still made time to come in and visit with me.

        A couple points of interest here.  My daughter is a lesbian and is married to her partner Legend, obviously these names have been made up, actually the second point that I will interrupt the first point with is that, if it would have been up to me my daughter’s name would have been sunflower and we could have called her Sun or flower for short but alas my wife, who is my first ex-wife convinced me that it was not a good idea and she was always absolutely right.

        No really she was always right.  I wish I would have known that then.

        Now if my second wife and I would have had another kid she would have gladly named it whatever idiot hippy peace name I wanted.  She was eleven years younger than me and very into my hippy spiritual nut ways.  Actually she was in too those things more than I was at the time.  Now back to the original point.  As I mentioned my daughter is a lesbian and she is married to her partner Legend.  Ohio doesn’t recognize gay marriages yet so they went to Martha’s Vineyard to do the deed.  Legend is an artist.  She has a studio in the Short North of Columbus and is well known and fairly well compensated for her work.

        I believe my daughter wanted an artist’s life and would have loved to have her own studio and be compensated for her brilliant work, which her pieces of art were, but life took her in a different direction.  My beautiful intelligent and multi-talented daughter went into education and landed a very good job in administration making a very nice salary, but again I digress.  She is a lesbian, she is married, she is successful and she went and got artificially impregnated at the age of 38 and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Wyeth.  She is a brilliant mother, a grand wife, a savvy business woman and she still finds time to come and see her dad who was not the best father that he could have been, well especially after the divorce from her mother.  I was not an abusive or violent man to her or anyone but I was to myself and this resulted in me not being around when I should which is why I think my daughter Sunflower did not pursue her artistic endeavors.  I wasn’t there to give her support on her artistic projects.

        I have been a shit sometimes.

        I was too busy recovering and having a lot of sex with a lot of women and then relapsing and having a lot of sex with a few woman then relapsing and recovering and finally falling in love with one woman that broke my heart.  Not intentionally.  She made it perfectly clear what our relationship was.  It was nothing but sport fucking.

        “Wait a minute I watched this dream.  I watched it from start to finish.  It was one of those moments.  Those moments of clarity that no one could deny.  No wait.  Was I wrong?”  Yes you bumbling fool you were dead wrong.  What was next was my mini breakdown and two short affairs that were just that, an affair.

        I must say that most of our time together was intense                                        and alive but there was a misunderstanding there.

-       This was a long and drawn out rambling of words that just skimpily was to express my admiration and how proud I am of my daughter.  

                Sunflower has shown a tremendous strength and dedication of purpose along with a love for me that is a sacrifice for her to come and visit me at the hospital that I am currently at.

        My dear brother is also an archangel to me just as my daughter has been especially when I was still in Lima.

        The progression has been that my dear brother was there for me in Lima and Sunflower would come to Lima when she was able.  Now Sunflower takes care of me and my dear brother and his boys come to see me when they can.

        I also have another brother who has been coming to see me lately.  This brother and I created music together using my words for a while and then he started giving some words to our musical projects and we also used words from my dear brother.  I will call this brother Tacami.  I also have another brother.  I will call him lost brother.  Mom is mom.  Mom is old and is angry.  Not at me per say just at life.  Mom is broke and relies on all of us boys to come to her aid and well sometime we just don’t.

        What was the point I was trying to make here.  I don’t remember.  Sunflower was annoyed with me today because I can’t remember anything anymore.  She was actually annoyed at me for a couple of reasons today.  Mostly about my memory.  I don’t remember much of the present and the past is just a distorted dream. 

        Much of my lost memory is due to my complete apathy toward the past right now.  It is vitally important right now for me to understand that the past is exactly that.  It’s gone and there is nothing that can be done to change anything so you look straight into today taking slight glimpses of the future while staying in the now. 

        Om is the answer.  I am at peace and I am consciousness.

        I am free of distractions and this means I am free of memory.  Nothing is as important as the present and I will continue to walk in these sacred circles to achieve the final silence.  Om…

        Oh the blues wail on the sitar. 

        Oh the blues chant a calling on the sitar.

        I will cry with the sitar. 

        I will cry with the texting fingers to my lover from the past.  

        She broke my heart and I shattered the dream to insure that we would         never love again.

        Oh you are the desert dream.

        You are the infinite scream.

        You have the voice of a child.

        And yet your spirit is alive wild.

        Oh, dance with me dance with me.

        Oh, make love to me, make love to me.

        You speak in tongues and I speak in whispers.

        YOU leave me, the Children chant as they are programmed to do       so and we dance to the silence. 

        The silence is everywhere.

        You leave me breathless.

        Yes you leave me breathless.

        Kissing me breathless.

        You leave me dead or alive.

        Dead or alive, alive.-

        A mighty voice.

        Hear no more.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

        So I wake with a jolt and my ex-wife is there shaking me.  I am waking from a long and terrible dream.  Oh god on high I am finally awake and I finally see the absolute truth.  Oh I am delusional and I am hallucinating because nothing is real.

        I meditate to the voices.  I cannot stop listening to the singing.  It’s time to die oh peasant and to be enveloped into the matrix of the song of the wailing of the dream.

cool peace

very groovy

mical peace

love

spirit